


How to win at your High School Reunion, a comprehensive guide by Deadpool (Written by Peter Parker)

by isaDanCurtisproduction



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Deadpool doesn't actually beat anyone up, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, School Reunion, Secret Identity, Self Confidence Issues, Spideypool - Freeform, Wade Has Issues, but other shenanigans do occur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7926955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaDanCurtisproduction/pseuds/isaDanCurtisproduction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade Wilson: Deadpool, ex-merc, Avenger. Peter Parker: Wonderful boyfriend, (Avenger), (Spiderman), Arm-candy.</p>
<p>Peter drags Wade to Wade's High School Reunion. Wade does <em>not</em> want to go, but petty revenge and judgmental ex-high schoolers make it a night to remember. Remember this, goddamnit! Remember!</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to win at your High School Reunion, a comprehensive guide by Deadpool (Written by Peter Parker)

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this has some serious elements in common with my Petey and Wade series, but it really is a stand alone. It _could_ be connected if you wanted to read it like that, but it's not necessary. 
> 
> A wonderful Anonymous on my [tumblr](http://isadancurtisproduction.tumblr.com) requested a High School Reunion Spideypool ficlet and I--this took too long for me to write. I'm so sorry.

“For the last time,” Peter said, slipping his hand through the crook in Wade’s arm, “we are going.”

“It’s going to be awful,” Wade whined.

Peter smiled indulgently but pulled Wade forward when Wade started to slow. “It’s not going to be awful. You were popular in high school, weren’t you?”

Wade nodded jerkily.

“Let me guess,” Peter continued, an amused grin on his face, “you were a jock. A quarterback, on the football team. Or maybe you played basketball. All the girls loved you. Everyone loved you. You joked at inappropriate times and made the teachers have conniption fits and laughed and laughed and laughed. And you probably dated the hottest cheerleader on the squad.” Peter smirked. “Was that good? Am I close?”

Wade reeled Peter in closer to him and laughed soundlessly into Peter’s hair. “Not quite. Baby boy. I didn’t date the hottest cheerleader, I was the hottest cheerleader. Honey-bun, I was so _flexible_ back then! Whoo!” He licked a finger and pressed it against his hip with a hiss.

“A cheerleader, eh?” Peter waggled his eyebrows. “So I’m dating a cheerleader? Well, I guess I am moving up in life.”

“A nerd dating a cheerleader,” Wade laughed. “Will wonders never cease?”

“Oh shut it.”

“I still have my uniform,” Wade said, his voice dropping low so it rumbled in Peter’s ear, “I can bring it out sometime.” He flicked his tongue out to lick the shell of Peter’s ear.

“Stop,” Peter protested with a snort of laughter, and ducked away. “You cheerleaders, always teasing us science nerds.”

“Oh I’d never tease you, you sexy thang,” Wade said with a pout, which quickly morphed into a leer, “unless I had plans to follow through.”

Peter swiped at Wade’s hand. “My point, Wadie-poo—”

Wade shivered dramatically. “Oh yeah baby! Call me all the corny names you can think of.”

“My _point_ ,” Peter continued, as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “is that you were one popular hot mess, so stop worrying about your high school reunion so much. They loved you then. They’re going to love you now.”

“But what if they _don’t_?” Wade whined. 

“They will.” Peter said with confidence.

“They won’t,” Wade disagreed. 

“And why not?” Peter said, abruptly changing tactics. “Why won’t they like the amazing ass you’ve grown up to be?”

“I’m gross.”

“You’re not.”

“I _am_ ,” Wade insisted. “I’m covered in scars, burns, cuts. I look like a monster.”

Peter frowned. “You don’t believe that.” There was a moment of silence. A pause, where Peter waited for Wade to say something, but Wade said nothing. “Right? Babe? You don’t really believe that. Because we’ve had that talk. And I _know_ you know that your scars don’t make you a monster. You aren’t gross. You’re wonderful and beautiful and lovely and—”

Wade cut him off with a laugh. “No, Peter, no. Not that I don’t love when you compliment me, keep complimenting me, I love it, tell me how I’m amazing and sexy and have the ass of a _god_! But no, I know. I know my face doesn’t make me who I am. But _they_ — _they don’t know that_.”

“They’re not going to care about your face, Babe.” 

“They might! High-schoolers suck!”

“They’re not in high school anymore,” Peter said in a sing-song voice. “You grew up and they grew up, and now you’re going to your reunion.”

“With you,” Wade added.

“With me,” Peter agreed with a smile. “I’ll be your back-up. I’ll watch your six.”

“But what if they hate me anyway?” Wade said after a pause.

“Why would they hate you?” Peter asked, the corners of his lips quirked up in amusement. 

Wade made a wobbly motion with his shoulders. “The mercenary thing?” he asked in a small voice. 

“Reformed,” Peter rebutted. 

“Sword-danger-maniac-man,” Wade returned.

“Avenger,” Peter said with a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin. “You are a god-damned superhero. You’re going to wow their pants off.”

“You think so?” Wade asked. “You really think so?”

“Yes,” Peter said with a steady smile. “I really do. Now, are you ready for this reunion?”

“Yeah!” Wade fist-pumped.

“Well good,” Peter said, and pulled Wade around to face the building they had stopped in front of, “because we’re here.”

“We’re _what_?” Wade shrieked.

Peter looked up at the edifice that could be nothing other than a school. All schools have that school-y feel to them. It was the smell of textbooks and desperation. “Did you miss the part where Tony loaned us a jet to take us to Wadena, Saskatchewan? To the town where you attended high school?”

“How did you know that? Have you been stalking me?” Wade gasped dramatically. “Petey, have you been reading my back issues?”

Peter quirked an eyebrow. “Is that an innuendo or something? And no. Everything was in this snazzy invitation you got.” Peter held up a cream-colored envelope with looping black print on it. “I’m your plus one. We’re both wearing ill-fitting suits. Babe, get with the program.”

Wade began tugging at his earlobe. “What if they don’t like me? What if they _hate_ me?”

“We just went over this,” Peter said. “They’re going to love you. It’s going to be great. Now let’s get in there before you lose your nerve _again_.”

Wade visibly straightened and shook out his arms. “Alright, I’m ready.”

“Then lead the way,” Peter said, gesturing to the front doors of the school. 

Wade grabbed his outstretched hand and dragged him through the front door and into the lobby, where a table was set up scattered with name tags. A woman sat behind the desk and smiled when she saw Wade. 

“Wade Wilson, jokester extraordinaire. I’m glad to see you could make this reunion. We thought you’d been avoiding us.”

“Avoid high school?” Peter asked. “Now who would ever do a thing like that?”

Wade chuckled and Peter joined in, but the woman just turned to Peter with a polite, if closed-off expression on her face. “And who is this young boy?”

Peter grimaced. He wasn’t sure he was ok with being called a ‘young boy’ by anyone who wasn’t his Aunt May’s age. And _especially_ not by someone who was Wade’s age. As if he was a child.

Wade didn’t seem to notice the wording. He stuck his head forward and, with a leer, said, “Who’s this? Why this little beauty queen is my plus one.”

“Ohhh,” she said with a smile that she probably thought was polite but came off more as smarmy, “alright then. Name?”

She dragged a blank nametag towards her and uncapped a sharpie.

“Uh,” Peter said, blinking at her, “Peter Parker.”

She scratched out his name and handed the tag over. His name was barely legible, scribbled across the blue and white nametag, but he pulled off the sticky back and slapped it on his chest anyway. 

“And here is yours, Wade,” she said in a more simpering tone, and pushed across a laminated name tag with ‘Wade W. Wilson’ in sharp, printed script, and a picture of an attractive, blond, eighteen-year-old wearing a tie and suit-top and a goofy grin. 

Peter picked up the tag and examined the picture. “Is this you?”

“Yeah,” Wade said in a small voice. Peter glanced over to see Wade’s eyes glued to the picture of his unscarred, younger self.

“You were cute,” Peter said as he pinned the tag onto Wade’s lapel. “It’s no wonder, looking at that picture, that you aged so well. I mean, hot damn, honey-bun! You’re smokin’!” Peter gave the nametag a little pat of affection.

“Hah!” Wade said and grabbed at Peter’s hand, “at least _you_ like me baby boy.”

He led Peter down the hall, past dented lockers and fluorescent ceiling lights that reminded Peter of his own stint in high school. The gymnasium was covered in streamers and decoratively placed balloons. It was actually very tasteful, at least to Peter’s mind. A crowd of people were already milling about, and Wade paused in the doorway to stare into the sea of faces. 

“Recognize anyone?” Peter asked.

Wade moved his head from side to side. “I think I might recognize some of the patients in this insane asylum.” 

“Well then let’s go say hi! No need to be scared.”

Wade placed a kiss on Peter’s forehead, took a deep breath, and then stepped confidently into the room. Peter waited a moment before following. Wade did really look good in his suit.

Wade made a beeline for a man wearing a tan suit and a pale pink button-down. “Carver?” Wade asked and smiled as the man turned around.

“Wilson!” The man beamed. “I haven’t seen you in years you son of a bitch. You’re some sort of one of those super-guys now, right? What, the military didn’t suit you well?”

Wade laughed, his shoulders easing a little. “You could say that. One thing led to another, and now I work alongside the Avengers.” Wade fluttered his hands around his face. “I mean, can you believe? Little ol’ me? Working with the _Avengers_?”

“Seems more like you’ve crossed to the dark side to me,” Carver said with a small chuckle. “Working with the Americans now? Honestly?”

Wade snorted. “Their maple syrup is a travesty and _no one_ apologizes but their Mexican food?” Wade kissed the tips of his fingers and then flung them into the air. “Delicious!”

Carver laughed, and then seemed to notice Peter standing at Wade’s elbow. He paused, and then pasted on a friendly smile. “Who’s your friend, Wade?”

Wade made a show of smacking himself in the forehead. “What a dumbass I’ve been! Jesus! Carver? This is Peter. Light of my life. My one and only. Sweetheart to murder all sweethearts.” Peter waved. “Peter? This is Louis Carver. I shared a locker with him for three and a half years.”

“Three and a _half_?” Peter asked.

“Yeah.” Wade said with a grin. “For the first half a year in 9th grade I had my own locker. But something might have happened to it, possibly involving a prank—”

“Definitely having to do with corrosive acid,” Carver laughed.

“And then I was stuck sharing a locker with this loser because they refused to issue me another one.”

“Awww,” Peter said, “I’m so proud, pookie. Destroying other’s property that young? That’s so beautiful.”

Wade clasped his hands beneath his chin and fluttered his eyelashes. “Do you really think so? I feel so blessed!”

“So,” Carver asked slowly, cutting Peter off. “How did you two meet?”

Peter and Wade shared an uncomfortable look. Peter wasn’t about to reveal being Spiderman, obviously, so it wasn’t like they could tell the truth. Second best thing?

“I was interning at Stark industries,” Peter said, “and Wade was working with the Avengers. Things sort of went from there.” He shrugged.

Wade gave him a subtle thumbs-up from out of Carver’s line of sight. The subtle thumbs-up was actually subtle too, which Peter silently applauded.

“Ah,” Carver said, sounding even more uncomfortable. “Interning? So, how old are you exactly?”

Peter blinked. “Uh, I’m 23. Why? How old are you?”

The guy looked a little taken aback by that, but before he could say anything a small woman with voluminous blond hair that gained her at least four inches waltzed up to them. “Is that Wade Wilson I see with my little eye?” the woman asked. She looped her arm through Wade’s and spun him around to look at her.

Wade laughed delightedly. “Heather! My god, you haven’t grown an inch. You’re so _short_! I thought my imagination made that part up!”

Heather swatted at Wade’s arm. “Shut up, you.”

“Heather,” Wade explained, turning to Peter, “was head cheerleader. She was in charge of keeping me out of detention long enough for me to practice enough so that I’d be able to lift at games without dropping anybody.”

“And I coached him,” Heather said teasingly. “I taught this boy everything he knows.”

“Then you have my thanks,” Peter said. “I imagine without you we wouldn’t reenact that scene from dirty dancing nearly as much as we do.”

Heather made a face, like she’d been eating ice cream and suddenly bit down on something hard. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“This is Peter,” Wade said. “He’s my parole officer.”

Peter whacked Wade in the stomach. “I’m Peter. I’m dating this lug.”

“He’s my baby-daddy,” Wade confided in a stage-whisper.

Carver and Heather both stared at Wade as if perhaps they had misheard him.

“I apologize for him,” Peter said. “Please ignore everything he says.”

Heather seemed to shake herself out of whatever funk her head was in. “Oh, uh, so, the two of you?” Peter nodded. “So, uh, how did you meet?”

“Peter was _interning_ ,” Carver said, leaning over Heather’s shoulder. “Wade is now one of those spandex heroes, you’ve heard?”

Heather nodded. “With the Avengers, right? I love that Thor. His arms are tree trunks. Hubba hubba.”

“Hubba hubba,” Wade said, nodding emphatically.

“Hubba hubba,” Peter agreed with a shrug. He could appreciate Thor’s arms. They were god-like, pardon the pun.

“And Peter,” Carver continued, “was interning at some Stark Industry office and they met.”

“Excuse you,” Wade said jokingly, but with a slight edge that made Peter smile, “Petey here works with mister Stark Naked himself. Peter is the most smartest science-man that I’ve ever met!”

“Mr. Stark isn’t actually naked,” Peter felt the need to point out. “None of us are ever naked, especially not in the lab. We have rules and regulations there. Mr. Stark is very strict about wearing clothes in the lab.”

“Are you attending university?” Heather asked.

“Well,” Peter said, starting to feel that there was a pattern here, “I—”

“Louis Carver?” A tall skinny woman asked, sidling into their little group. She turned to Heather. “And is that Heather Durand I’m seeing? My god, Heather, I haven’t seen you since Nathan’s wedding!” She folded Heather into a hug that made the shorter woman look very uncomfortable.

“Hi, Gabrielle,” Carver said in a complete monotone.

“Hi, Gabrielle,” Heather sighed.

The tall woman, wrapped in a draping blue dress with heels that made her as tall as she was, then turned to Wade. She stilled, squinted at his name tag, and then let out a long laugh. “Why, if it isn’t Wade Wilson. My favorite male cheerleader returned from nonexistence. Last time I heard you’d been kicked out of the US Army Special Forces.”

“Gabrielle,” Wade said, and his voice was positively chilly.

She turned to Peter next, but seeing that his nametag was just hand written, not one of the laminated ones that the actual alumni got, gave him an interested look. “And which of you three brought along this jail bait. He’s absolutely delicious for a boy who can’t vote yet.”

Peter coughed into his fist. He couldn’t decide if he should feel embarrassed or amused. 

“ _Peter_ ,” Wade said, emphasizing Peter’s name as if to remind the woman that Peter was a person, “is my fiancé.”

“And Wade,” Peter felt the need to point out, “is an Avenger. He’s kind of important if I do say so myself.”

Gabrielle gave them an indulgent smile. “Of course. And I think I overheard you say that you were interning at Avengers’ Tower, _Peter_?” Peter nodded. “So you must have met Wade through some shenanigans. Did you get kidnapped and have to be rescued like some damsel in distress?”

“I…Don’t know how to respond to that,” Peter said.

“Ignore Gabrielle,” Wade recommend, with a little venom in his voice. “She gains her sustenance from awkward and pointed questions that you can in fact _not_ answer. She then revels in your inability to counter her bullshit, and turns it around to make you feel stupid.”

Gabrielle blinked at Wade. “Oooh, kitty’s got claws.”

“Did you just call my boyfriend a cat?” Peter asked.

“How old are you anyway?” Gabrielle asked. “I bet you’re just out of school. What? Like, 18?” She turned to Wade. “Wow, you really are robbing the cradle.”

“Fuck off,” Wade growled.

“What?” Gabrielle asked with a tone of faux innocence that made Peter’s skin crawl. “Everyone’s thinking it. I was just ballsy enough to say it.”

Wade turned betrayed eyes to Carver and Heather who both looked away a little guiltily. “Guys?” Wade asked.

“Well,” Carver said slowly, still not meeting either Wade or Peter’s eyes, “not that we’re judging you or anything, but there does seem to be a big age gap between you two, doesn’t there?”

Peter and Wade exchanged glances. 

“And he’s so,” Gabrielle made an expression like she’d bit down on something sour, “nerdy.”  
Wade, Carver, and Heather all glanced at Peter but he just shrugged. He _was_ nerdy. No shame.

“So?” Wade asked.

“Well,” Gabrielle said, with confidence, “you were such a hunk back in school. And honestly, you’re still reeaaallly hot. And he’s kind of…eh.”

Wade gawked at her. “You think my baby boy is ‘ _eh_ ’?” 

“Yeah,” Gabrielle drew out the word. “I mean, look at him.” He eyes raked over Peter’s frame in a way that made him feel self-conscious and a little like he was back in high school himself. “Lank hair, bony shoulders, skinny, well, everything.” She laughed. “And he’s a science geek. Let me guess, Peter-boy, you were in the chess team and competed in science fairs for fun?”

“Excuse you,” Peter bit out. “Science is amazing.”

“ _Eh_?!” Wade squawked. “Baby boy is perfect! How _dare_ you!”

“Science is how the world goes ‘round,” Peter continued. “Everything we do in our lives, every element of nature, everything in space, it all concerns science.”

“His hair is divine,” Wade practically seethed, “and look at that bone structure. Look at that. Those cheekbones are to _die for_.”

“Science can explain literally everything. And what it can’t explain, we are trying to explain, with _science_. How do plants grow? I don’t know. Let’s not consider using science to figure it out. Hello! Ever heard of a little thing called botany?”

“And look at that butt! It’s _globular_.” Wade whined. “Dat ass, boy! Dat ass!”

“Blood transfusions? That’s fricken science. Biology! Without science people would die! Science is important.”

“And his _everything_ ,” Wade moaned. “Everything about him is just so…” he choked a little and then whispered, “amazing.”

There was a pause as both Peter and Wade took a breath. 

“Science,” Peter said to Wade rather pointedly, but in a much calmer tone of voice, “is the best. Gabrielle sucks.”

Gabrielle sucked in an affronted breath.

“Gabrielle does suck,” Wade agreed, “you’re right. You’re amazing, you know?”

Peter popped up onto his tippy-toes to plant a sloppy kiss on Wade’s cheek.

“You know,” Carver said with a surprised laugh, “you two are actually surprisingly perfect for each other.”

“ _Thank_ you!” Wade said with some exasperated relief.

“Yeah,” Heather agreed. “Your personalities are…I mean, wowza.”

Peter scratched the back of head, feeling a little sheepish.

“I think it’s a shame,” Gabrielle pouted. [“Such a buff, successful man, with such a nerdy little boy.”](http://ihni.tumblr.com/post/151299364932/so-have-you-read-how-to-win-at-your-high-school) She sighed.

Peter turned to Wade and tilted his head. “Did you ever date her or something? She’s kind of really obsessed with you.”

“No,” Wade squawked. 

“Uh,” Heather said, “but she _did_ crush on you _very_ hard in 12th grade. Very hard.”

“No I didn’t!” Gabrielle exclaimed, but her neck looked a little red.

“Sure you didn’t,” Carver said. “I guess that means all those letters you stuck in our locker addressed to ‘Wadey Wilson’ were actually meant for me.”

Gabrielle huffed but didn’t say anything.

At that moment the music which had before been a low hum shifted into something more upbeat. Wade let out a pleased shriek and grabbed Peter’s hand, and before Peter could even say a word had dragged him to the center of the dance floor, the center of the gymnasium, and began dancing. Peter laughed as Wade swung him around, pulled him to and fro.

“Are you happier now?” Peter asked, just a tad louder than normal speaking volume to be heard over the music.

Wade clamped his hands on Peter’s hips and lifted him into the air before spinning him around.

Peter laughed breathlessly. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Yes, baby boy!” Wade said, and dropped Peter into a closer hug, letting Peter’s toes scrape the ground. “Yes! It’s great to see old friends. And it’s even better to rub it in stupid Gabrielle Moreau’s face that I have a major hottie in my life and she has bupkis.”

Peter rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop the giant smile on his face. “So just use me for revenge then, huh? Is that all I’m good for?”

Wade pulled him forward and then dipped Peter backwards. “You know it, baby boy. With you around I get my revenge and I get that sweet ass.” Peter let out a startled yip as Wade squeezed Peter’s left butt cheek.

Peter’s eye for a moment moved past Wade’s face, focused on the melee of alumni behind Wade. He caught a glimpse of Heather and a smiling brunette with a gold hair clip dancing slowly at odds with the music, at the corner of the dancing area. He saw Carver leaning over a pouting Gabrielle, a smirk on his face. Evidently Wade recognized the subject of Peter’s gaze because, without bringing Peter out of the dip, Wade, with his free hand, flipped Gabrielle the bird. Gabrielle let out a squawk of dismay and Peter couldn’t help the overwhelming laughter in his throat from bubbling over. 

“You’re perfect, you know that?” Peter asked, “Even if you are just using my ass for petty revenge.” And then Peter pulled one of his hands away from Wade and sent Gabrielle a bird of his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Can also be found on [tumblr](http://isadancurtisproduction.tumblr.com/post/149776338973/yay-can-i-request-wade-gets-invited-to-his-high) in case you want to reblog it????
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: ihni, who exists here and on tumblr, drew this amazing picture for this work and I think everyone should check it out! [Here!](http://ihni.tumblr.com/post/151299364932/so-have-you-read-how-to-win-at-your-high-school)


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